Roller Coaster Ride...

.... of emotions. That's how I would describe this last week or two. We went from the elation that comes with the anticipation of another baby to the other side of losing that precious little life. There were ups and downs all last week as I went to appointments and had blood work done... all they did was give me hope only to have it ripped from me within hours. Thankfully, each day gets a little easier. There are still moments when I will remember and the tears will overcome me. But those times aren't as frequent. I went to my MOPS meeting yesterday. It was my first opportunity to be around more then 1 or 2 people who knew what has happened. It was overwhelming at times... but it was comforting to be surrounded by other moms, my friends... some of whom knew what I was going through, because they have been there... and others who could empathize because they have little ones too and can't imagine what it would be like to go through a loss like this. The question to me every time was "how are you?" and my response always was (and still is) "better then last week"... and I think that's how it will continue to be. Each week, each day even, it will get a little better. I am so thankful for all of the notes of encouragement and for the prayers being said on our behalf. We have felt them and I know that I couldn't be going through this without that support and my faith in Jesus. I know that my little baby is safely in His arms, though I think my Nana is holding her great grandchild in HER arms most of the time. :)

A Mother's Prayer...

Dear Lord, one precious baby there with You belongs to me-
A perfect, tiny wonder whom I long so much to see.
So recently within my life my baby took a part;
And yet, my baby holds so large a place within my heart.
Today that place is empty- just a memory there
Of sweet anticipation of a life I'd hoped to share.
'Twas You Who took my baby home to be with You above;
Please may my empty, broken heart find comfort in Your love.
Remind me, in my loss, the child I love feels only gain-
For You saw fit to spare my child from sorrow, fear, and pain.
No tragedy will ever fall upon this little life,
No lonely moments, no distress from unkind words or strife.
Nor shall my baby ever feel the struggle from within,
For in my baby's heart today there's not a trace of sin.
Oh, loving Lord, Who chose to spare my child from all of this,
When heavy is my heart, just let me glimpse my baby's bliss.
And may I joy in knowing that my baby is with You--
For living in your presence is what I, too, long to do!
So from this day, may this my new anticipation be:
One day I'll see my baby who went home ahead of me!
-author unknown

What a difference a week makes...

Most of the time, a week will make a happy difference. That's what I would have told you last week at this time. Today... all I am is sad. I'm losing my baby and there isn't anything I can do to stop it. Today, I join a club I don't want to be a part of... a club I have no choice in joining. Today, I am miscarrying my precious little baby. How can this be happening? I'm only 6 weeks along... but the hurt and heartache are still there. I know and trust and believe this is God's perfect plan... but the hurt and heartache are still there. How do we tell our little boy and little girl who are so excited about "our new baby"? How do we explain to them what is going on when I can't even grasp it myself? I'm so thankful for my Isaac and my Grace right now as they are bringing me laughter. I'm so thankful for my husband who is my strength. Please pray... :(

WE made it!

Momma and Isaac at Preschool

Daddy, Isaac, and Grace waiting for the day to begin.


Isaac and best friend Thomas (from MOPS) at the end of the morning!



All the papers Isaac brought home in his backpack!

So... we made it. The first day of preschool was a success... only 13 more years to go! :) The day started off a little crazy. The plan was for me to get up at 7:30, get ready, and then get Isaac and Grace up by 8am... so we could leave by 8:45. What is it they say about well laid plans? Well, Francis and I miscommunicated about the setting of alarms or being woken up... HE woke up by his alarm at 7am... I woke up on my own at 8:18... utter panic! I flew out of bed... woke Isaac up as gently as I could, but with a sense of urgency. Grace was awake when I opened her door (one good thing!). We managed to get them dressed, myself dressed, threw a pop tart at Isaac (not my ideal breakfast for the 1st day!!!) and strapped them in their car seats. We managed to get there a few minutes early even... and had time for a couple of pictures. It wasn't as hard to say bye to him as I thought. In our rush to leave we neglected to have him use the bathroom before leaving... so the teacher let me take him in the classroom before I left. I helped him out... kissed him bye when we were done and that was it. After that we dropped Francis back at home and Grace and I went out to breakfast with Thomas' mom, Jen, his sister, Michaela, and baby brother Nicholas. It was a nice distraction from what we had just done, for the moms and the sisters who wanted to stay and play too! 11:30 came soon enough and we were back picking them up. Isaac had lots to tell. First the played for little while... then they sat on the rug and read a story about a frog who went to school (he can't remember the name of the frog though)... then they played a little more... they did quiet seat work where he had to write his name (his paper has a stamp with the word "great" on it, probably the same as all the other kids, but I can still be proud of it!)... then he had a quiet play time where he used playdough for a little while and then had a chance to play on the computer... a kid size one, where he had to feed a dog, not just food, but newspapers and shoes too :)... he also played in the sand which he said didn't smell very good (hmmmmm?)... they had a snack of apple juice and a chocolate/vanilla sandwich cookie. Wow... sorry for all the details. They are more for my benefit so I won't forget it before I have a chance to scrapbook it!!! :) So, that was our morning... he was pretty tired tonight and ready for bed. It's amazing how tired you can get from learning!! :)

The Winds of Change...

Isaac starts preschool tomorrow. Wow. I'm not sure I am ready for this... but I'm putting on a brave face for my baby boy who is so excited to be going in the morning. I've had my moments where I've shed a tear or two (or hundreds if you asked Francis), but for the most part I've been okay. I've left him before at MOPS... only I was just down the hall if he needed me. It is so hard to trust your child with a complete stranger... who ever thought THIS was a good idea? :) I'm just praying he has as much fun and does as well as I know he can. On our way home from North Carolina over the weekend, the kids were watching a new movie. One of the shows on it was Wonder Pets... not normally my favorite show because I can't stand the way they talk (mostly baby talk, mispronouncing words)... but this particular episode was about helping a baby blowfish who has to leave his momma when he goes to preschool. Let me tell you... I cried more in the car listening to that then I have any other time! At one point the baby blowfish says he doesn't want his momma to leave... then one of the WonderPets says "But the Momma ALWAYS has to leave"... uh... stab me in the heart why don't you! Then the momma blowfish says that she will always come back too. Still... why do I have to leave in the first place!!! :) Thankfully, I don't think I'll have to convince Isaac I have to leave him there alone. I, on the other hand, will probably be kicking and screaming as Francis drags me out of there (just kidding, you know!) :) So, if you think of it, send up a little prayer as I trust my baby boy with a new teacher, new friends, and a new environment... and as I reliquish some of my "control" and let God watch over and take care of him while I'm not there. :)